Do: Make sweet sweet triple chocolate cookies after a frustrating day with a glass of wine and the lovely Fleet Foxes in the background.
Don’t: Insist upon dessimating the cookie dough supply by eating it by the spoonful straight from the mixing bowl. You will feel like a complete sow when you wake up in the morning. I learnt this. I feel richer for the experience, but that is probably just a temporary richness brought on my so much chocolate.
They are delicious cookies though…
If comic books, movies, television and cartoons have thought us anything, it’s that hired goons/nameless henchmen always suffer the worst fates of all. Whatever about the main villains of the piece, these guys get a really raw deal. They don’t die with particular dignity or ceremony, and they don’t die for any goal or point. I mean, at least with the majority of Bond villains, they died at the hand of the best spy on her majesty’s service, having being foiled in their missions to blackmail the western world/destroy London with a nuclear missile/run smuggling operations and so forth. They weren’t shot in the back of the head while unloading a crate of stuff they didn’t own in the middle of the night for someone they’d never met.
Sure, from the evil villain’s point of view, it’s great. As C. Montogomery Burns puts it, “I prefer the personal touch you only get with hired goons.” Sure, it’s great to have henchmen do your bidding, but it’s not so much fun when you are the uncredited, unnamed, faceless henchman.
I’m not saying for a second that you need to enter a life of warmongering, embezzlement, extortion or general nihilistic terror. But, if you do choose that path, or on whatever path you do choose, stick to your principles. Set your own goals, do what you’re good at, leave your mark and keep your honour. Never be the hired goon when you can be the hero or the evil master.
Here are just a few examples of ‘goon hiring’ shows out there that back up my theory that it’s no fun being a hired goon:
1. The Joker’s Hired Goons, Batman.
Throughout the ages of Batman, all the villains have had henchmen to carry out their dirty work. Whether it’s being ambushed while unloading crates in the middle of the night, being shot by your boss, or being made to fight for your life with another hired goon with half of a broken pool cue as a weapon, being the hired hand of one of the Dark Knight’s enemies ultimately ends badly. I chose the Joker because his brand of master villainy in particular places little value on the lives of the hired help. From setting all his goons up to kill each other on a bank job, to making former mob gorillas fight for a place on his goon-roll, to ramming a pencil through the head of a member of the mob, Joker constantly comes up with new and creative ways of undermining his workforce and the workforce of other Gotham criminals. Even with these tactics and the low morale of the Gotham scumbags, he still managed to get all of the Gotham mob to shift allegiances to his side when he became the main man of Gotham. And they had to wear stupid face-paint.
Lesson : goons are forced to work for psychopaths in risky conditions with very little job security. Embarrassing uniforms also a downside.
2. Doctor Evil’s Private Army, Austin Powers : International Man of Mystery.
Ah, the human, vulnerable side of the hired goon. In a few touching scenes in this spy spoof movie we got to see exactly how the families and loved-ones of a henchman are affected by the careless disregard for their lives by their employers, enemies and the writers of the films and books in which they feature. When one hired henchman is run over by a steam-roller, we witness the heart-wrenching phone call to his mother, and the moment when she has to break the knews to her young son, Billy, that his big brother, Steve, was run over by a steam-roller and would not be home to play catch with him. As if that’s not enough emotion for one film, another hired henchman’s life is senslessley and prematurely lost when he is decapitated by a tank of ill-tempered, mutated seabass. This news is received with dismay and shock by his awaiting stag party.
Lesson : Being a hired goon puts your loved-ones at risk of having their world torn apart, and because you’re of no consequence, neither will they be when you’re gone. You won’t be remembered, and neither will they when it comes to compo time.
3. The Foot Soldiers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
The masked, trained foot clan that faced off time and time again against the heroes in a half shell worked for the evil super-mutant baddie, Shredder. At one point, Shredder considered making these highly skilled mercenaries a bit smarter, but he tried it with a prototype and it turned against him and tried to overthrow him. He realised that they should be deadly, but ultimately, stupid in order to serve him adequately. However, the problem with this was that they were all pretty much as thick as horse manure and ended up getting their heads kicked in by the turtles on every outing. It was probably better for them, in retrospect, that their faces were hidden. Getting your ass handed to you by 4 giant sewer turtles when you’re supposed to be a trained ninja soldier is pretty feeble.
Lesson : If you’re a hired goon, the man (in this case Shredder) will always try to keep you down. If he doesn’t think you’re worth it, no one else will. You’re setting yourself up for failure.
So, just what is it about the nameless, faceless soldiers who work hard, but ultimately have no goals that makes them such likely candiates for early retirement into the shark tank in the sky? Well, there is a lot to be said for fighting spirit. Some of these hired goons may be well-trained, but they just don’t have the determination and courage of heroes, or even of super villains. Their cause isn’t their own, and it shows in their work. Don’t let that be you.
As famous British spy Nigel Powers says to a henchman of Dr. Evil in Austin Powers, Goldmember:
There you have it really. The guy with the charisma, wit and confidence overpowers the goon. What a surprise. It’s all about mentality. If you see yourself as a goon, others will too. And it’s not just in the world of crime of doing the work of evil, but in all walks of life. Would you want a goon doing your taxes? Would you want a goon teaching your kids spellings and algebra? Would you want a goon being president of the United States? (That may be a weak example.) But still, there’s nothing cool about being a hired goon. Stand tall, don’t work for anyone whose name starts with ‘The’ or contains the word ‘death’, don’t wear a mask and don’t let it happen to you.
In order to explain how empathy came to me, and why empathy is lesson number one, I first have to give you the background of the events that lead me to this lesson. I have a retired US politician, a nightclub, rain and some strangers to thank. So if you’ll indulge me, here is how I came to regard empathy as a very important life lesson.
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In an effort to stop my brain from turning to mush over the summer, I decided to take adavantage of the library in college before they revoked my student card, and actually get some books out that might be some way relevent to my masters. I have been reading The Fog of War : Eleven Lessons from the Life of Robert S. McNamara. Robert McNamara is a former US Secretary of Defense and was involved in some of the major international crises of the 20th century during his career. The Fog of War is a book based on a documentary made about the lessons McNamara learned from his involvement in events such as the Cuban Missile Crisis and the Vietnam War.
Robert S. McNamara
In terms of stopping my brain turning to mush, it is an interesting and stimulating read based on something called critical oral history. This combines the insights of historians, official documents and the recollections of former officials, who were heavily involved in the events, in order to come to conclusions regarding lessons that should be learnt from certain mistakes or crises in international history. The ‘fog of war’ refers to how these mistakes are often made because of the effect that war has on human rationality, emotion, trust and decion-making ability.
This book explores some of these lessons and is designed to give the reader a chance to understand what it must have been like for rational human beings to have had their judgements clouded by the ‘fog of war.’ The first lesson, and probably the most important one to all the rest, is empathise with your enemy. Empathy is very important in international relations, and it is also often absent. Things that we read or hear about as news or history were more than just monumental events at one point. Each of these huge things can be broken down into a series of decisions made based on the knowledge, sources, fears, beliefs and assumptions of various political leaders. The point of the empathy lesson is that two opposing parties can be in complete disagreement over something and may be completely unable to see eye to eye on aims or principles, but can still understand that the other party may feel genuine fear, concern or interest. It was because of a lack of empathy that the Cuban Missile Crisis nearly became the most devastating loss of human life in history, and it is because of empathy that it was finally averted.
All of this makes perfect sense, and it makes even more sense if you read the book, which you should, if you have the chance.
Allow me now to apply the lesson of empathy to my own life, but instead of the Fog of War, I am going to refer to the events of last night as the Fog of Rain.
So I went to work yesterday evening, with my head full of words and thoughts to take me through the hours. My evening job consists of standing outside the Courthouse handing out flyers for a Cork Nightclub. It’s grand work, when the weather is nice. The time flies and you meet and see lots of people. Last night, the weather was awful. It lashed rain for the whole three hours, and the street was not the same hive of excitment that it usually is when groups of people are coming and going.
So it rained and poured, and I tried to give flyers to the people who walked past in dribs and drabs. In my mind, every one person who accepted a flyer from me made my bundle one flyer lighter, and made it a smidgen easier to hold my giant umbrella. When you’re wet and cross, (or when the fog of rain descends upon you) it’s strange how the tiniest gestures, like someone taking a flyer and saying thank you, can give you a little bit of extra steam. It’s like half way through a run up hill, a sup of water can make you go on for that little bit longer without feeling like you want to die.
In my mind, I knew that if I was miserable under my umbrella, then all of these people trudging to and fro in the fog of rain must be miserable too. Yet I still had to do my job, so I tried not to be too annoying and just do the flyering.
Most people just take it and keep going. Maybe they use it, maybe it gets binned - I don’t know. But some people just ignore you, or just stuff their hands in their pockets and shake their heads or try not to catch your eye and scurry past. Why do they look so frightened? I’m not selling anything, I’m not asking them to stop, I’m not going to beat them up. Every single time a person turns down a flyer it’s like a little kick in the guts. Just TAKE it. I don’t care what you do with it anymore. JUST TAKE IT!!
My anger, their fear, the reason they won’t take it, the reason I really want them to – it’s the special set of circumstances offset by the rain.
And then, under my umbrella, alone, in the rain, it came to me. These are the people, that, given a situation of substantially higher stakes and more serious consequences, would be the non-empathisers. You can always tell about a person’s intuition in its simplest form by how they react to a minor incident with a complete stranger when no one is watching.
The people who refuse to take a simple flyer from me are doing so because they are wet, in a hurry and probably not going to go clubbing. But if they empathised with me, then surely they would see that I’m pretty miserable too, handing out flyers in the rain. And even though we are on opposing sides, with me giving out flyers, and them not wanting them, me wanting them to go to a club, and them not wanting to, they would appreciate that my aims are not malicious, but I am only doing what is in my best interest (earning money, for food), and the best interest of my peple (the nightclub) and what I believe in principle is right. (Go out and have fun, don’t go home!)
The fact that they don’t care about or agree with these ideals and aims, is irrelevant. They should understand that this is what I must do. I understand their feelings. And I’m not getting in the way of their aims. They can still go home, they don’t have to go anywhere, they don’t have to talk to me. Nothing about their life needs to change, other than the fact that they make my night a little better.
So you see: it makes perfect sense. They didn’t take a flyer because they don’t want one, and their personal wants outweighed their capacity for empathy.
And they all passed by. And I was left standing there. With my soggy flyers. In the rain.
The most positive outcome of this whole experience is that I managed to actually remember something I read in a book, and managed to apply it (don’t even think about saying tenuously) to a real-life, 1st principles scenario. And by coming up with this (don’t say mad) theory, I managed to kill few minutes in the cold without resorting to games on my mobile that are likely to murder any brain cells I did preserve by reading a history book in the first place.
Thank you Robert.
Thank you rude strangers.
Thank you Fog of Rain.
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