New!! : McCain Action Man

A great change is facing the world. A rogue politician plans to upheave current systems and affect everything from climate change to civil rights to the economy to healthcare to international policy. Only one man can stop Barack Obama in his diabolical scheme. Only one man can keep everything exactly the same. He is the greatest war hero of them all. That’s right, it’s John McCain.

Yes, there is a new Action Man figure due to be released this November. The figure is slightly different to the vintage Action Man dolls – for instance it doesn’t have the same fuzzy hairstyle, going for the aerodynamic look, or the same posable arms – but toy manufacturers are assuring the American public that this new Action Man is THE greatest hero of them all.

He may not have the features we have all come to know and love in our favourite hero, but he has been around longer than Action Man himself, and has more combat experience.

This new McCain Action Man may look less agile than earlier models, but he does all his own stunts. Yes, a strategic genius, he is one soldier that knows exactly the right weapon to use when his enemy starts to look strong.

Barack Obama may think he and his team can outsmart our hero with their straight forward politics and commitment to their word, but nothing can stop our hero on his quest for the White House. After all, he is older than dirt with more scars than Frankenstein.* Real scars too – ones from torture, and losing to Bush and, torture, and being called a homosexual. To make it through such ordeals without changing your stance or your outlook on the world even one inch is the mark of a true American hero.

So this November, get yourself and the whole family down to Walmart to get your exclusive John McCain Action Man doll. You’ll find it in aisle five between the live ammunition and baby seal harpoons.

*It is assumed that McCain meant the monster of Frankenstein and not the scientiist himself who has no known of scars of note, at least not in Mary Shelley’s unabridged version of the book. Being an American hero though, i assume he has not had time to read this book and is thus forgiven.